...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
