We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
