i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
