If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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