very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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