she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
