dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
