She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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