Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
