Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
