just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
