I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
