My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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