the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
