ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
