yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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