Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
