Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
