The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
