im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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