I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
