3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
