Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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