Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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