Your mouth is God's brothel.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
