walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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