she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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