I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
