Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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