Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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