In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Randomize
