I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
