fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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