looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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