My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
