So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Randomize
