Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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