im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
