I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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