Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
