I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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