There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
