remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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