i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
