the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
