stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
