oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
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