Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
