your room smells of hookers.
And success
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
