i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
