apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
