I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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